this is where i vent, cry, scream, et cetera.

i don't mean everything i say on here.
please read this disclaimer before proceeding.

to see recent entries, click here. alternatively, you can go to the thoughts page.


june 08, 2021, 00:54 a.m.

first entry i guess. mmm...my "friends" don't care about me, no matter how many times they say they do. i just gotta learn to accept it! i think i'll leave twitter for a few months, not sure when, but i've currently set a plan to leave for a week before evaluating how that goes. i hate everybody. they hate me. i've always been disliked by people around me and i just have to accept that nobody will ever like me. i constantly isolate myself and they just don't care. there's this one person in particular that always wants ME to be there for THEM, but when I'M in dire need of help and i make it clear on the timeline, they ignore me. i wanna kermit sewer slide lol my other "friend" left me for two other people. it hurts so bad. if they end up finding this page, hello, i realise that you guys don't see any reason to have me around anymore. you can drop the act now. god, i hate everybody! i just want to do something that'll make people feel bad for abandoning me like this, but wouldn't that be going too far? i don't know what to do anymore, those people were the only friends i had managed to make and now that they're gone i'm left helpless and alone. if i had good social skills then maybe i'd be able to make some new friends but god fucking hates me (and me in particular) so of course that's not the case.

11:47 ;; big bitch is back in town. i'm going to ski today (of course norway has a place called ski, what did you expect from people who make skiing their whole fucking personality) but for that i need to download some fucking application to buy the tickets and apple conveniently won't let my mother verify her apple id. i hate everything. i hate everyone, especially norwegians, they've caused me more pain than they'd like to admit. i'm not afraid to say it! norwegians fucking suck! stop making grilling and skiing your entire personality and stop flexing your wealth, you xenophobic fucks. edit: okay so i need to clarify the xenophobic part before someone gets their panties in a twist. not all norwegians are inherently xenophobic, but everyone i've met that just so happens to be norwegian is. i've been denied resources/services (proper good healthcare, disability benefits etc) because i'm from a different country. okay? at least i'm not afraid of mushrooms you absolute cowards. ba! norwegians are so afraid of mushrooms that one of them (not sure which one but it IS edible and completely harmless) is listed as POISONOUS! HA! i remember going to lidl as a very very young child AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID? THEY GOT RID OF IT!!!!! BECAUSE IT WASN'T A NORWEGIAN CHAIN STOOOOOOORE!!!!!! i could go on about how 99% of norwegians are xenophobic fucks but i'm more worried about going to ski today. all i'll say is: my hate towards norwegians is justified. completely justified.

18:25 ;; i take the last part back (the 'norwegians are bad' part) my faith in norwegians has been restored :-)

23:22 ;; oh look, elias is back on their bullshit again.
you know, i truly did love my friends. i always saw the good in them and i always tried my best to make sure that they knew that their posts were being seen and shit like that. it hurts so much to see that my friend of 4 years finally moved on from me. both of my friends, that i've known for 4 years, they've replaced me. i don't know. i'm just a speck of dust now, or a shallow (or perhaps deep) scar. what did i do? am i that boring? did i do something wrong? i hate myself so much. it's all my fault. i could've saved my two remaining friendships, but instead i ruined everything. despite my efforts, they finally grew tired of seeing me on the timeline. i want to believe that this is just one big misunderstanding so bad, but i know it's not. it feels a little guilt-trippy of me, to be talking about something like this. i'm not trying to guilt trip anybody. not like they'd care, unless they suddenly all started coming to me and apologising. thinking about it now, it wouldn't even be sincere. oh, what am i talking about? they all hate me.
i need to stop before i do something stupid.

june 09, 2021, 15:27 p.m.

*dabs* i feel like shit, as usual. i wrote a little bit in my diary (physical diary that is) and i felt a little bit better.
i'm still a little bitter about my friends ditching me like that, but at this point, i think i couldn't care less. friends are temporary and overrated anyway. that may not be true for everyone but it sure is to me. to be quite honest, i don't think i need any friends. watch me edit this entry as i bawl my eyes out over this whole fucking situation lolololololol

15:52 ;; ugh can it just be the 17th already. that's my last day of school. i'm failing all my classes but...aughhh. i don't like going to school, i'm always paranoid that there's gonna be some fucking mass sh00ting or something (i don't want to get yeeted off of neocities so i gotta censor that). especially after july 22, 2011. god i'm so fucking paranoid. i can't even step outside because! what if people try to end my life! i need to stop thinking about this i don't wanna have a mental breakdown today. it's so stupid of me to think like this but i can't help but think about how this is a very real thing that can happen.

22:10 ;; listening to closer by nine inch nails and it slaps. like. jesus. so anyway, i'm feeling strangely calm? i mean, tomorrow's gonna be stressful for sure, but for some reason i am not stressed. i'm going back to ski on saturday to hang out with some people. i think it's going to be fun. though i must admit that i'm a little nervous!

june 10, 2021, 08:35 a.m.

let's start today off with a positive note. have i ever mentioned that i like zvuki mu (зву́ки му)? they are an alternative rock/indie/post-punk band founded in 1983. now, i don't speak russian, not at all, so i don't really understand the lyrics unless i were to look them up, but their music? *chef's kiss*. right now i'm listening to yezhednevniy geroy (which i think translates to daily hero? i don't know, i'm fucking stupid) and i'm having a good time. i'm not having a good time actually but i don't want to think about that right now. i was thinking about buying one of their albums but i'm broke lmao so i can't do that. but a bitch can dream!

08:45 ;; actually now that i think about it, a lot of what i listen to is by russian (or russian-speaking) bands/musicians/artists/etc etc. zvuki mu, piknik, kukryniksy, stomatolog i fisun, ploho, the end of electronics, nautilus pompilius, vollny...i could go on. huh! i think that stems from when i was younger, i used to listen to children's songs in russian (and russian in particular) and i. why am i even writing about this, this is pointless information. oh well! :shrugs:

17:22 p.m. ;; I AM SUPER FUCKING PISSED basically i thought about a person i hate with my whole 5' 3" being. i hate them so so much. good fucking god. i don't think it'd be appropriate for me to talk about it here in case they ever become aware of my existence though.

june 11, 2021, 04:29 a.m.

woke up at 2 am and thought that there was a serial killer in my house. fun. i'm going to the tooth thief today, so that's something. i hate dentists with a burning passion but i still gotta take care of my teeth i guess. oh well. we'll see how it goes.

04:36 ;; god really looked at me and said "hmm, i will give you autism and several other mental illnesses that will affect your everyday life until you die and nobody will take you seriously when you try to talk about these issues. suck it up bitch!" HAHAHAJSKHSJ i shouldn't be making fun of my own disability but it's just the Truth.

05:50 ;; (warning: potentially upsetting content ahead? i'm not going to censor myself.)

so you remember the kerch polytechnic college massacre? yeah, it makes me uneasy just thinking about it. call me a pussy if you'd like but this one particular image of roslyakov's body after he took his life haunts me to this day. a close-up image, i don't like those. it's not that i can't handle seeing pictures of deceased people, it's really only the image(s) of roslyakov's body that make(s) me feel weird. wasn't a whole chunk of his head missing? i don't remember but i also don't want to look it up. hah, it's a little odd that this is the only image of a deceased person that really affects me more than just an incredibly minor amount of discomfort. ah, well, we all have our squicks, don't we? i feel kind of stupid and sensitive for not being able to handle looking at something that falls under what i typically look at nearly every single day (and by choice). maybe i'll look at the image again soon. who knows.
i should probably be more concerned about having my teeth fucking stolen today, and not some image i saw 3 years ago.

17:49 p.m. ;; wow, that was...something. i forgot i even updated at nearly 6 am. anyway. i went to the tooth thief, and it went better than i expected! she told me i was a good patient and how well i was doing. so that's good i guess! i fell asleep for a couple hours so i forgot to update. sorry 'bout that. she said i had good dental hygiene which is a straight-up lie but whatever. the right side of my mouth hurt a little bit after the appointment (probably due to the anesthesia?) and it still kind of hurts but it's not that bad. overall, today wasn't a bad day. i'm going back to ski tomorrow to hang out with some people i know? so that's fun. i hate social interaction but i have a feeling that tomorrow won't be bad either. i'm a little tired but it's ok.

21:48 ;; i love gore. i just hate trauma to specific areas

june 12, 2021, 10:11 a.m.

i really want to look like peter steele. sigh. anyway i'm going back to ski as i said in my last entry, i'm like. really nervous for some reason. but hey, it surely can't be that bad? the people are really nice, so i have no reason to be nervous. let's just hope everything goes smoothly. i have to leave in three hours, so i have some time to do something. i don't know what. hmm. i'll update once the event is over. :-)

18:03 p.m. ;; I THINK I MADE A NEW FRIEND!!!!! i'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!! it all went smoothly and i didn't mess anything up! yay. on another note, why does my site get so much attention lol it's literally me just sobbing about my old friends leaving me lol.

june 13, 2021, 09:02 a.m.

it's not even 10 am and my parents are already fighting. big fuckin sigh

june 14, 2021, 00:06 a.m.

 (quick obligatory disclaimer: i bitch about something i probably shouldn't be bitching about in this entry,
but this is my site and i'm not gonna cater to others just because they want me to.)

i'm so bored and tired. psychiatrist appointment today. i'm not ready for that. being online doesn't do me any good, why the fuck everything so boring nowadays? i used to love being on the internet, especially on twitter, twitter was my favourite (and i will bitch about it again). now i don't even enjoy thinking about it, it's gotten so fucking bad that it just exhausts me. i have to think about what warnings i have to put so nobody gets mad at me, but it's a damned if i do damned if i don't kinda situation, what tone indicators i have to use so nobody tells me i'm ableist for not using them, but honestly i feel that tone indicators are somewhat ableist in and of themselves because people who use screen readers will only hear "[your text here] slash [letter used for tone]" and if they don't know what it even stands for then they're being EXCLUDED by the same goddamn people who will say shit about being inclusive and will most likely be even more confused by what you're trying to say. see, because- i will sometimes look at something online, and i will think to myself, "is this person being serious, or are they joking?" but there really is no need to use tone indicators (usually). if you're not sure, asking the person will usually help guide you unless they're an ass. be sure to thank them afterwards, manners are good. wait why am i giving people advice on my vent page, i should be crying about how sad i am.
anywayyyyy, uh, if you do need tone indicators then that's fine, just know that i should also be allowed to have an opinion on this topic as a nd person

14:14 p.m. ;; i don't even wanna talk about it. today was a bad day.

june 15, 2021, 09:31 a.m.

today was ok i guess. i turned in my books + my school computer, but i forgot to turn a book in so i gotta go back and do that.

18:20 p.m. ;; i really want to write something involving my characters that has to do with gore. lots and lots of gore. wait, what's stopping me? i can do whatever the fuck i want! fuck yes.

june 16, 2021, 15:06 p.m.

if you've never listened to a nautilus pompilius song, then what the fuck are you doing with your life? anyway, today isn't too horrible yet. i'm going to moss on saturday, to a fun little polish store :-) i'm looking forward to it!!!

june 17, 2021, 01:09 a.m.

so, someone archived my site on the wayback machine (six days ago, why didn't i find out sooner??), it's not a huge deal but it's making me kind of paranoid for some reason. well, it's fine, at least people know that my site exists.

14:57 p.m. ;; i saw some screenshots from the armin meiwes video or whatever, and it wasn't that...bad? in my opinion. like, it's disgusting and all, but it didn't have an effect on me. progress i guess? and they're on the surface web, too, the goddamn screenshots, you don't even have to dig that deep to find this shit.

16:21 ;; considering filling in the eric harris survey... edit: i meant filling out

19:45 ;; i am about to bang my head against the wall really hard i want to fucking do it i WILL fucking do it why can't everyone just be quiet!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! I'M TRYING TO FOCUS ON NOT LOSING MY SHIT BUT THE CONSTANT NOISE MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY NAILS OFF WITH MY TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUIC KFUCJK FUCIKF CUIK FCUIK FCUKFCUFKCUFCKFUIFUFUDUFCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

june 18, 2021, 15:22 p.m.

wow that was something. okay. great. nice! anyway i thought about buying yet another cd (cough, zvuki mu's...zvuki mu lol) but is it really worth it? i mean, their music is available online, what's the point of buying a physical copy? well, i guess it's nice when maybe one day their music will become UNavailable (especially in the shit hole that is norway, we can't have shit in norway it's a shit country), but like...aughijkfkgbngjkj

june 19, 2021, 23:15 p.m.

[ entry deleted. lol. ]

june 20, 2021, 10:35 a.m.

this is my comfort video. be sure to turn on english subtitles ;-0

june 21, 2021, 23:56 p.m.

soooo, i'm working on a side project here on neocities...it's nowhere near presentable at the moment, so i won't be linking it here right now, but maybe later today.

june 23, 2021, 10:48 a.m.

today is my one year autism diagnosis anniversary. woohoo. also i missed quake's birthday, but in my defense, quake doesn't really interest me all that much. anyway, so that side project i was talking about... it's paraloga. some pages might look wonky on your screen, and for that i apologise. it's still obviously a work in progress but it looks kinda presentable so whatever.

16:25 p.m. ;; i bought quake. it's a good game. i had to run it with quakespasm-spiked because the quality was ass and i couldn't see a damn thing. but it's fun.

20:49 p.m. ;; my interest in higurashi SKYROCKETED today. i might rewatch the original anime adaptation...episode 17 is my favourite. if you know you know ;-) if you don't, well, too bad.

june 25, 2021, 23:44 p.m.

so i tried using otter browser for shits and giggles. accidentally somehow blocked someone. and now chrome won't let me unblock them. /nobody here, just so you know, but god, i'm going to fucking cry.
aaaaanyways, i listened to mandrage's entire discography today. it was a good 4 hours.

june 27, 2021, 23:13 p.m.

not much has happened today. i don't have the motivation to work on this site. i think i need to take a break.

june 29, 2021, 00:49 a.m.

popping in just to say this. remember when i said that i couldn't look at photos of vladislav roslyakov after he had taken his own life (particularly a close up of his face, click here to view the entry)? well, i googled it, and looked at some photographs. i don't know if it was a good decision or if i just made a horrible mistake because it wasn't as bad as i remembered it but it was still disturbing. well, i don't know if he'll appear in my dreams tonight, but oh well.

july 03, 2021, 01:25 a.m.

hello friends. just popping in to say that i'm doing well, i'm just staying away from the internet for mental health reasons :-) i might be gone for a few more days, maybe a week or two, maybe longer, i just need to work on my mental health before fully coming back. you can expect small updates like this one from time to time but otherwise i'm not going to be properly updating this site for that period of time. i hope everyone's doing okay <3

july 16, 2021, 15:35 p.m.

buckle up this is a long one.

hey. i'm still not 100% back, but i've been spending more time on twitter (i'm getting more and more comfortable using it lately). just a couple minutes ago i was reminded of how several people on that stupid goddamn clock app were dancing to sudno by molchat doma (which is a song about literal death) and i remembered just how much i hate people who don't look up the lyrics of foreign songs. remember that dancing polish cow? the song that was put over it was about drugs, depression, addiction, et cetera, and people didn't bother to even check. this is a problem with all songs that were sung by people from slavic countries - there's this cover of pumped up kicks that i personally like, it's in ukrainian, this is important. not even scratching the surface of the comments and one of the first things i see is a comment with russian stereotypes, i.e. the name ivan (it's a common name, i know that, nothing wrong with being named that, but come on, couldn't you have gone with andrei or something? why does it always have to be ivan, i don't understand...) vodka, the makarov pistol...remember, this was in the comments of a ukrainian cover. this kind of shit makes me want to scalp myself; and these types of people don't only exist on the internet. you have no idea how many times people asked if i could speak russian or if i drank vodka upon hearing that i'm from poland. okay, knut, can you speak swedish? danish maybe? why aren't you tall? i thought you were norwegian! why aren't you resistant to the fucking cold? jesus fucking christ!

and don't even get me started on people who use cyrillic letters in english text (as in, ya is used instead of r, sh or shch instead of w, etc etc, sometimes from other languages that use the cyrillic script), that shit fucks with my brain. what the fuck does "motneggʻcskeg" mean? apparently to some people, it's "motherfucker". мотнегғцскег. i can't read that shit! i'm sure i'm not the only one. and why are they all so obsessed with russia? why not ukraine? belarus, poland? bulgaria? serbia? motherfucking montenegro? i think it's because russia is the largest out of all of them, but why just russia? nothing wrong with being genuinely interested in its history and language of course, i'm talking about the bitches whose only knowledge of russia is based on the stereotypes and the soviet union. i just can't wrap my head around it. hey, give bulgaria some credit, they invented the cyrillic script for fuck's sake! remember when i said that most people don't even bother to look up the lyrics of the foreign songs they listen to? particularly molchat doma. they aren't even from russia, they're from belarus. i also hate that many people don't acknowledge the fact that several other languages use the cyrillic script, so when they see anything in a language like that (let's say, kyrgyz, just as an example), they immediately think "russia" because russia is associated with the cyrillic script. it's a little sad that these people don't bother researching this, but what can i do?

alright, i'll stop here. sorry if this entry is disorganised or not coherent, i don't have fingers that function like normal fingers. also, sorry if this upsets or offends anyone; i don't speak for all slavic people and not everybody feels the same way i do towards this topic.

september 19, 2021, 09:08 a.m.

hooooooo. sorry for not updating this site in 2 months. life hasn't been treating me well, god may as well be trolling me. i want to, to put it lightly, become an hero. that's all. no idea if i'll return to this site in the future, but we'll see.

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